Does this crap get easier or does it just get old?

Okay, I normally try to be encouraging when I write stuff but sometimes life just sucks. We are closing in on the 7th week of this deployment and, instead of getting easier, things are getting tougher. You would think by now life would have settled into some kind of controlled chaos but, NO, life just keeps pounding at you hoping to beat that last ounce of sand out of you. Now don't get me wrong! There is nothing going wrong here at all. In fact, under normal circumstances, I would say things were perfect except for one thing...I am experiencing the circumstances alone.  My kids are doing great in school. Naomi has awesome grades! Courtney has awesome grades! Wyatt is working hard and his grades are improving fast! (I am very proud at the work he is doing!!!) My job is wonderful! The people I work with are great! They are strong Christians and they encourage me and make me laugh. My days are worth living!

But then I come home...

When I turn down the street and see my house with that horrible Ford Exploder in the drive way, my heart sinks and sadness sets in. (Not because of the Ford Exploder though that would be reason enough) but because I know I will be spending the remaining hours of my day in a house as a single married mother. Even as I type this, my chest feels hollow and my eyes fill with tears. I HATE being alone. I know Jarrod is doing the job we signed on to do. I am very proud of his service and his faithful to God, to this country, and to his family but I am PISSED! I want him HOME where he belongs! I don't want to see him on a computer screen. I want to see him here! I don't want to talk to him thru a head-set for a few mintues at a time! I want to talk to him with him sitting in the same room with me! I don't want to go bed at night with nothing more than an 8 lb dog as company. I don't want to sleep in a single bed in my dining room because I cannot find it within myself to sleep alone in the queen bed in the master bedroom!

Please understand this...I am only being honest from my heart. I KNOW we are doing God's will. I KNOW we are doing what we have been called to do but I am speaking from the heart of a wife that misses her husband terribly. The Lord understands what I am feeling and He knows I mean no disrespect to Him or to Jarrod. In fact, under the circumstances, I would rather feel the way I do than to feel the opposite. God has never promised that doing His will would be easy but He would give us the strength to make it thru...not just make it thru but to come out of the other end of this, victorious. I know I am being asked to grow spiritually and I want to but right now the Christian walk feels more like the Christian slog. God forgive me if what I am saying or feeling is wrong.

Military Marys do not have it easy. Ask any mother that has sent her child to war. Ask any wife that has sent her husband to war! (I know the stay behind husbands have it tough too but I am speaking for those who are like me...a wife and mother, because that is all I know.) Like Mary, the mother of Jesus, who sent her Son out into a world to save it, we send our loved ones out into the world to do what they can to protect freedom. Jesus did what He did knowing that some would receive and appreciate Him and some that would ridicule Him and hate Him. Our husbands/sons/daughters face that same thing. There are people that are so grateful and appreciative that they run over themselves trying to help and to support our troops. Then there are others that HATE us....ABHOR us...because we are a waste of time and money and they would rather see our troops dead than alive, protecting them. THAT is why I chose the name Military Marys for my blog. No, our soldiers can't save your souls but they do protect your freedom to seek out that man than can save you...Jesus.

So there we are. A post that starts out in pain and anger and by the end turns to the promise of Jesus. I guess that is just the way things go when you try and keep your heart and mind on Christ.

A Military Mary,

Carolyn